I shall accomplish what you request with magnificence.

Run, don't walk to see 13 Assassins. It's playing in NYC at the IFC Center. Elsewhere...I don't know. Find that shit. It is one of the most purely satisfying movie-going experiences I've had in a long, long time.

It stays completely true to the classic Seven Samurai formula, and you know what? That's fine. That's a great fucking formula. It is a pure, linear formula that has yielded many of the most satisfying movie experiences that ANY of us have ever had. And 13 Assassins invigorates that formula with tremendous visual beauty; stunningly visceral sound design; gloriously shot, immensely exciting, bloody, bloody action that comes after lengthy, textured setup full of rich characterization and humor, and includes a number of immensely satisfying payoffs; and a group of beautifully acted characters that are also among the greatest cinematic badasses of all time.

Seriously. So badass.